Your Skin, Like Porcelain
by WatchAndLearnKid
Summary: Jonathan is in a dark place and is shown what would happen to the ones he loves if he ended it all. WARNINGS: SELF-HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPT. M/M H2OVanoss.
Jonathan was sitting on the edge of his bathtub. He could feel the cold of the porcelain sinking into his thighs through his jeans and he wondered why he felt that, of all things. Of all the things he had tried to feel, he felt how cold everything was. He felt the shiver of Autumn before it was even there, the desolate freezing loneliness of an empty bus stop where his father was supposed to be. But wasn't. The hair-raising emptiness of a Christmas morning with nothing under the tree. Because there was no one to gift, no one to receive from.

Nothing. Just the cold.

A cold that no number of blankets could stifle, no amount of fake smiles and laughter could cover up, no number of miles he'd walked away from everything could warm his veins. Nothing could make him burn except the sting of a blade.

"Before you kill yourself in your own bathroom, you should know what you're leaving behind." A deep dark voice said smoothly beside him and Jonathan felt the icy air coming from his being. He never looked over.

He kept his eyes shut and didn't dare stare Death in the face. "I'm not leaving behind anything. There's nothing."

The presence chuckled richly. "So you assume. I can answer your questions. I imagine you have at least one."

Jonathan stopped pressing the blade against his wrist and swallowed. "What would I be leaving behind?"

"A family of followers, fans, people who you have unknowingly saved from themselves. You leave behind a legacy, a faceless legacy, and friends that find you irreplaceable."

Jonathan felt himself shudder from the cold as it crept into his bones. "What would happen to Luke if I died?"

Death hummed, "Your oldest friend would mourn you, speak at your funeral, name his son after you and visit your grave each month for as long as he lives. He would miss you, but move on."

"Marcel?"

"He would dream of you each night for months, until his wife nursed him back to his right state of mind. He would miss you, but move on."

"What about Tyler?"

It chuckled. "Tyler would be angry with you, but he'd forgive you in time. He'd understand and move on."

Jonathan exhaled, feeling his cold breath on his arms. "Evan?"

There was a silence that settled in the room for a moment but Jonathan still didn't dare open his eyes.

"Evan, your closest most valued friend would brush it off at first. He wouldn't believe a word anyone said, he'd be in denial until a month passed of unanswered phone calls and neglected texts. He would grow restless, be plagued with insomnia. But he still wouldn't accept it. Evan's relationships would crumble, he'd be alone, despondent and completely unresponsive to anyone's offered help. He would fall asleep only to have nightmares of you. He would wake only to cry, make himself sick and ask himself if it was his fault. He would reach the point where he would send you messages, silently hoping that wherever you were, you would answer. Just maybe, because you two had some sort of unspoken bond between you. But you never answer. Evan would stop eating, alienate himself from everyone and everything. He'd start to cave in on himself and spend his nights on the roof of his building with his legs dangling over the edge. He'd stare out at the city below and talk to the wind as if he were talking to you."

Jonathan felt the hot tears running down his face and it was the first time he'd felt something other than the blood dripping off his fingertips. His chin trembled. "What would he say?"

"It's easier to show you." It whispered and Jonathan was weightless when he opened his eyes, drifting in space and time as Evan's building came into view. Jonathan felt the lump, hard in his throat and the urge to run to him when he saw him sitting there alone looking down at the city so far below made his legs ache, but he couldn't move.

"I miss you so fucking much, Delirious. I wish you could just tell me where it all went wrong. Why didn't you tell me you were hurting? Was it something I did?"

"No." Jonathan cried.

"Was it because I always acted like I didn't feel anything more for you? Was it because I never told you that I was with her so I would stop thinking about you?" He paused for a beat and wiped at his empty, tired eyes. "Because if that's what made you run, then I accept all the blame. I just want to hear you again. I'd give anything... just for you to come home. So I can tell you that I love you."

Jonathan couldn't breathe when Evan stood, balancing on the ledge, looking at his destination below before he glance up and caught his eye. Evan showed the faintest of grins and stretched his fingers towards him, reaching. Jonathan cried even harder and just before their fingers touched, Evan closed his eyes and stepped forward. He sighed as he fell for what felt like eternity, smiling just before he met his end.

"EVAN!" Jonathan could do nothing but watch and he tried to move but when he blinked again he was on his bathroom floor, gasping for air as the tears refused to let up.

"You see, Jonathan. You'd be leaving someone behind whether you end your life or run away from everything. It's your choice."

* * *

He could feel a fire flowing through his veins as he pushed himself off the floor with purpose for the first time years and walked down his dark empty hallway. He wiped at his face as he rode the elevator down and crossed the street. His knuckles were tender as he knocked on Evan's door.

Evan opened the door, grinning until the light fell on Jonathan's face. His eyes were rubbed raw and his nose was red.

Jonathan could hear the people in Evan's apartment, laughing and carrying on and he started to drown in the guilt again.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything." He mumbled and tried to push his hands further into his pockets, avoiding Evan's stare.

"You're not." Evan placed a warm hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "What's wrong?"

Jonathan shook his head, "It's nothing."

"It's something. You don't just come over at two in the morning and tell me it's nothing." Evan huffed as he pulled him inside and led him past the kitchen and away from prying eyes, into his bedroom where he closed the door behind them.

Jonathan felt the tears swelling again and Evan caught his chin, tilting his face up until he could see his eyes glistening.

"Hey, whatever it is, it's okay." Evan pushed the hood off of Jonathan's face and sat him down on the edge of the bed. "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Evan disappeared through his door, returning a few minutes later after he let his guests out. He tossed his hat to the side and kicked off his shoes before be sat down beside him.

He leaned against his shoulder. "So, what's bothering you?"

"I almost killed myself tonight." Jonathan forced the words out. "And that's not easy for me to admit. It's not the first time I've tried either, but I just want you to know that you're the reason I didn't and you're the reason I won't ever do it again. You're the only thing that's been constant in my life these past few years and I think I failed to see that at some point. I thought I was alone and I almost didn't stop myself or think about what would happen to you if I just disappeared."

Evan blinked.

"I love you." Jonathan sighed. "I love you and I've never felt the need to tell you until now. You're my best friend and I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. I just want you to know that you matter to someone because I've never mattered to anyone and I think that's what ate me up inside. Feeling so fucking alone for so long that I couldn't breathe."

Jonathan felt Evan's hand close over his and he finally had the courage to look him in the eye. Evan was looking right back at him with sad, caring eyes and it hurt just a little too much.

"You have always mattered to me, Jonathan." Evan squeezed his fingers. "More than anyone. Just tell me what you need right now."

"I need a friend."

Evan grinned crookedly, "Done. You've got me. Forever."

Jonathan rubbed his lips together, trying not to sob. But the way Evan wrapped his arms around him and pulled his head against his chest, had him falling apart all over him.

He released his burdens onto him, soaking his shirt with the pain he'd kept locked up tight beneath his chest. The pain that made him want to end it all. He let it go and Evan faced it head on, running his fingers through his hair, drawing shapes across his back. Holding him until the storm passed and they were laying curled up underneath the blankets of his bed falling asleep. Jonathan gave the occasional hiccup before settling again, eventually falling into a deep sleep from exhaustion. Evan found himself watching over him, making sure he didn't stop breathing. Making sure he didn't disappear.

Evan found himself restless and looking mindlessly through his kitchen for something to take his mind off of the idea of his best friend killing himself.

 _It's not the first time I've tried either._

He felt nauseous. Jonathan had attempted to do it before and Evan was having a hard time keeping his fingers from shaking as he wiped at his wet eyes. He leaned against the counter and couldn't imagine jogging across the road one day to Jonathan's apartment and knocking on the door that he wouldn't answer. He thought about walking into his bedroom to find him dead, laid out across his bed, pale and lifeless. His long pretty fingers stiff, the blood a deep shade of burgundy as it soaked into the pristine sheets that surrounded him.

He thought about life without him and his chest ached, his heart clenched, and he burst into tears. Because not a day went by where he didn't think about him, or hear his laugh in his head, or think of his smile that had spawned butterflies in his gut the first time he saw it.

"Evan?"

The Asian snapped his head up when he heard him. He was wearing one of his baggy long sleeve shirts and some briefs and his cheeks were still a little red from being rubbed raw. He was so lean and a little lanky, but it fit his personality so well. Evan took three big steps his way and picked him up in a hug.

Jonathan felt him trembling. "Are you crying? Please don't say it's because of me. Because I'm not -"

"Don't say you're not worth it." Evan interrupted him. "Because I really don't know what I would do without you. I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything. I wouldn't be able to look at the color blue without seeing you. I wouldn't have a soul to tell my secrets to. I couldn't live."

Jonathan held him tighter. "Evan..."

Evan sniffed. "I was just thinking about you dying, thinking about never seeing you again, or crashing in your bed when we'd drink too much and play games until four a.m. I thought about you disappearing before I could come up with a way to tell you."

Jonathan pulled back and wiped at Evan's face with the sleeve of his shirt, "Tell me what?"

Jonathan knew what it was he was trying to say but it didn't help calm the beating of his heart or stop him from staring at his lips when Evan slipped his hands around his waist and touched his forehead to his and said, " _That I love you_. That you're the realest person to me. That you're the best thing that's ever walked into my stupid and insane life. I just... _I love you_. Please don't ever leave this world, because I don't want to be in it if you're not here, okay?"

Jonathan grinned as they stood there and he felt every doubt he'd ever had about having someone that cared about him, washing away. It faded when Evan brought one of his abused wrists up to his lips and placed a soft reassuring kiss to his soft scarred skin. He smiled when he felt Evan's nose brush his cheek that was granted a kiss as well.

But that smile faded when he got lost in the gentle tingle that Evan's fingers left behind as he reached up for his face. He let his mouth part when their lips touched and he ended up laughing at the way they stuck together slightly when they pulled apart. Like they didn't want to be separated.

Evan huffed a nervous laugh before he pulled his lips against him again, just a bit more adventurous, more wet. It was an entire three minutes before they broke apart again and they both had a deep and dark better understanding of each in their eyes when they opened them and stared into one another.

"Don't leave." Evan whispered and let his fingers wrap protectively around his fragile wrists.

Jonathan felt weightless as they drifted back to his bedroom where they fell down into sheets that were so warm.

Not cold like that familiar porcelain tub beneath his legs. Not cold like watching his family leave. Not cold like Autumn while he walked alone, going nowhere.

They were so warm.

Like Evan's hands moving across his body beneath his baggy borrowed nightshirt. Warm like the rich earthy brown of his eyes. Like the temperature of his lips as they kissed his.

Jonathan exhaled a content breath that Evan inhaled. "I won't."


End file.
